I went up to the rock with fear, hoping not to die. I could hear in the background my brother singing “Temperature”. I had butter flies in my stomach and my teeth chattering. My cousin cheering me on “Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick”. I felt excited and nervous. I’m at the edge. “1-2-3, Ah”, I’m in the air. I heard nothing but wind rubbing against my ears. Time went really slow. Then finally I heard my mom say “yaaaa.” When my feet hit the water I felt cold all around me. I came up laughing. “That was fun!” I said. My third time up people started calling me a dare devil. “Ahh” splash. “Nick time to go and swim across the river”. “1-2-3″ panting hard swimming as fast as I can. My uncle held me. I got water in my mouth. Then finally I had made it across. I sat down on the grass slowly and got a drink.
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17 responses so far ↓
jeffrey // January 24, 2007 at 8:39 pm |
It’s a good story but you should use more details. the story is short and mabey you should just talk about climing the rock.
wrinklestudent // January 24, 2007 at 9:26 pm |
You did a nice job explaining when you jumped off the cliff! Great lead!
jessica // January 24, 2007 at 9:56 pm |
you did a very good job of explaining when you wereclimbing off the rock.
austin // January 24, 2007 at 10:27 pm |
I like how you used discriptive language. for example” I hear my brother singing tempature “
zach m // January 24, 2007 at 11:31 pm |
i like how you used descriptive language like you told when your brother was singing temperature in the background.
zach p // January 24, 2007 at 11:45 pm |
i liked it you should use more a little more detail . you had a great beging it made me want to read more!!! it was awsome
connor mcalary // January 25, 2007 at 12:27 am |
hay nick, great story i lik e the way you use great vocabulary for example(panting hard swimming as fast as i could)
wrinklestudent // January 25, 2007 at 2:01 am |
When you jump of the 50 foot rock, and you count down (1-2-3 Ah). When i found out that you where going to jump I was so impressed me a lot.
Tyler // January 26, 2007 at 5:19 pm |
that mustve been fun jumping 40 feet into the water.
Nick Aronica // January 27, 2007 at 9:16 pm |
hey,
great job
keep up the good work
from,
Nick
victoria // January 29, 2007 at 10:06 pm |
Hey!!
Nice work nick! Wow i wouldn’t be that brave to jump down from there!! You must now be a pro at it! i also liked in your story you had some people talking and your brother singing tempture!! lol nice work,
victoria logan
Julie // January 29, 2007 at 11:22 pm |
I liked your lead. It really pulled me in.
Nick M // January 30, 2007 at 12:24 am |
I liked when you worte when your feet hit the water and then you felt cold around you.
kevin B. // January 30, 2007 at 12:30 pm |
Nick, that was awsome! I like how you said “…i felt cold all around me…..” I hate to get saltwater in my mouth like how u did in the end panting to get to the your mom. Great job keep up the good work!
zachM // January 31, 2007 at 2:40 pm |
heyy.nick
great source of details you had a good heading and it made me feel like i was there because you told and not showed for example “I heard my brother singing temperature in the backround and your cousin yelling Nick Nick Nick. I also do that 1,2,3 and then i jump.
From,
Zach
Nick A // January 20, 2008 at 4:24 pm |
hey nice job nick i love how you said your brother was singing in the backround good job
From,
NIck
zach amd his mom cheryl // May 28, 2008 at 12:09 am |
hey nick this is mrs. makoske and zach showed me this website i really liked the story it was awsome
!!!!!!
hey nick this is zach THIS STORY WAS AWSOME!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!????!!!!!!